How to drive

Shop Girl by Kitty Kaufman

Years ago, I got this from my cousin.

1. Turn signals give away your next move. Real drivers don't use them.

2. Under no circumstances leave a safe distance between you and the car you're behind because the space will be filled by someone else.

3. Crossing two or more lanes to exit is considered going with the flow.

4. Never come to a complete stop at a stop sign; no one expects it.

5. When the right lane is closed, see how many cars pass you on the right as you wait for the same jerks to cut back in when they hit the orange barrels.

6. Braking should be done as hard as you can so ABS kicks in.

7. Never pass on the left when you can pass on the right.

8. Speed limits are arbitrary and merely suggestions.

9. If you're in the left lane with no room to speed up or move over, the guy behind you flashing his high beams and gesturing thinks he can go faster in your spot.

10. It's fine to honk at cars that don't leap into action the instant the light changes.

© December 26, 2012
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