You don't want it? We have it.

Shop Girl, by Kitty Kaufman

gallows gown Macy's: I was looking for pants: cotton with pockets, belt loops, an almost normal waist, normal legs and they didn't need to be shortened. A cheery salesperson kept bringing more styles to the dressing room! If you go to Macy's in Natick, try to find her in the women's department.

After we searched the racks, she looked in inventory. She could order more nearly normal pants and if I opened a Macy's charge, there would be an additional percentage off. I said okay and with a few clicks I was approved. In a few days the pants arrived but the colors were only white and black and it feels like I'm wearing the same pants all week. No one comments on the sameness, only that I'm wearing black and that it's summer. I'm from New York; check with Bill Cunningham.

I want it With the new credit card you get a pen pal even if you don't write back. Most mornings there's a chipper sale reminder. Macy's is also helping the post office reduce its deficit as their inhouse agency, Advertex Communications, keeps sending coupons: "Special Delivery! Your Star Rewards Passes are here." The offers are off or 15-20% off if you can get through the fine print.

You try using them. I found a handbag, handed over the 20% card but no, Calvin Klein is excluded. Anything is excluded. Here's what you cannot buy with a Macy's Star rewards pass: "ALL furniture, mattresses, area rugs, floor coverings, cosmetics, electrics and electronics, and licensed departments." There is more: "Bridge and designer handbags and shoes (there it is), designer sportswear, watches, sterling flatware, All-Clad, Eileen Fisher, Armani (there's Armani at Macy's?), Tommy Bahama, Coach, Dooney & Burke, Dyson, Ghurka, Henckels, Lacoste, Lalique, Ralph Lauren, Levi's, Lladro, Michael Kors, North Face, Not Your Daughter's, Kate Spade (didn't see her), Swarovski, Tumi, Vera Wang (nor her), Vuitton, Wacoal (too bad), Waterford, Wusthof. Purchase must be or more."

Naturally it's "not valid on previous purchases, services, special orders, gift cards, jewelry trunk shows, bridal, restaurant, gourmet food, wine and it can't be combined" with anything except . . . except if you're opening a new Macy's account. "Online exclusions differ." Of course.

P. S. Afterwards, I found out Macy's uses Department Store Bank for their credit card processing. Thugs. I cancelled the card.

© August 6, 2012
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